This is the third of a series of 3 articles that build upon themselves and is a prelude to what Jesus Christ emphasized in his example of Love to the world. No matter one’s belief system or affiliation the core of his example is simply… Innocence of Love
Love Is the Best Transformational Tool Out There
I have been following all that has been debated in the Spiritual Writers Forum under the single question of; “If God exists, why has He created such a painful world?.” I answered more universally in my past two posts, today my 3rd contribution is very personal. I am downplaying the experiences I went through by placing words without explanations or descriptions in my response because the details are not as important as what evolved from them and how this evolution relates to the question posed in this forum. To answer the question from my experiences, I am sharing my life story. It represents years of my life, beginning in my youth and bundled in an abridged accounting from one who experienced the question this forum has been in debate over, what evolved from those experiences and where I am today.
Life, even from its early beginning held storms and sunshine, feast and famine, the highs and lows and the battles between who is right and who is wrong. I was told these experiences were normal, yet this was confusing to me. Confusing because as a child I knew life could be exactly how I wanted it to be… because… God said so.
Even in my youth I wanted life to be – uncomplicated – happy – giving and receiving love – everything else I somehow knew would just follow as it was to be. In my child’s mind this was simple yet, the extremes I experienced as I was growing up in the offense against body, mind and spirit from those I sought protection and love from represented a huge gap between my childhood daydreams, how normal was being defined by the adults around me and what I was experiencing. I did my best to hold onto God’s example of compassion and the forgiveness for my offenders. Some days were harder than others. When my mind would move into uncontrollable outbursts triggered by unexplained fear I would, one more time, exert my full strength and concentrated attention in returning my thoughts to what was guided by God’s words. “Repay no one evil for another evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.” – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God forgave you.” – “And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” Bathing in these words I could again feel safe and free from the overwhelming fear that would arise, sometimes without warning.
I did as I had been taught and put the horrific memories out of my mind and vowed to myself and God that my children would not experience what I went through. By the grace of God and my will to do so I kept my vow. My children never knew or experienced any part of the intense feelings of fright that I went through as a child. Thinking the childhood dread was behind me I focused on responding to life situations as success was suppose to happen – hard work. I became schooled in all the maneuvering skills required for my vocation, controlled my experiences by stuffing and never talking about the ‘bad stuff’ from my childhood, kept my distant from what was drilled into my mind as what I was to avoid, and most importantly, followed what I understood was God’s and society’s rules. From here I went about building a life. The idealist romantic that I was, my dream was simple, at least to me, and solely based on attaining – happy ever after –. The best fairy tales always have aggressors, those wanting to crush the – happy ever after – simply because it doesn’t please them, or they want what doesn’t belong to them or because they can. So I paid little attention to anything else except holding onto the normal fairy tale endings where good conquers evil and went about living life.
As I was building my life, most saw me like the Energizer Bunny. I kept on going despite the problems I faced. In all outside appearances this was true yet, this was far from what was happening on the inside of me. To avoid the pain, I stayed on the surface of my experiences never wanting to think about anything painful or upsetting because somewhere in my brain making this choice kept me safe, or so I thought. Here is when and how I fell into a pattern of being on a gerbil wheel of expending a-lot-of energy yet this choice got me no closer to what I really wanted – happy ever after –. This would make sense when you understand the very nature of the gerbil wheel’s purpose – an exercise that requires a consistent outgo of energy to keep the wheel in motion, only it only goes around and around, never forward and always stoping at the same place it started. In this role of keeping the wheel in action I lost consciousness to and my focus on the childhood joy of knowing – happy ever after – was an unshakable reality when coming from – what really made me happy – giving love and feeling loved. Although I knew I wasn’t moving in the direction that my heart was pulling me towards I didn’t know how to get off the gerbil wheel, change directions and survive at the same time. Being on this wheel built a false security within me that I was doing- something- to keep the upsets at bay. With all my good intentions instead of the – happy ever after – I expected, – ‘sh-IT’ – still happened at different twists and turns. Differently than my youth yet, still – ‘sh-IT’ – with no – happy ever after- in sight. I began feeling helpless to – ‘IT’S’ – whim of showing up when least expected. Endless debates never changed ‘it’. Sugar coating ‘it’ never stopped ‘it’ from circling back unchanged. Although I never faltered from the vow I made to never allow the experiences from my childhood to touch my children’s’ lives, my focus from attaining – happy ever after – seemed far far away with all the ‘its’ occupied my mind and life.
My only protection from the insanity that seem to never end, or so I thought, was to push away how I rationalized the ‘its’ came into my life. Since I was following the rules as taught I determined that all the ‘it’s’ couldn’t have anything to do with me. This solved nothing only left me confused and frustrate. Stuffing my confusion and frustration I focused on what I did know how to do – work tirelessly to build a better life for my children and myself. I reasoned that filling my day would keep my mind occupied and away from feeling so scared. Underneath I still hoped and prayed ‘it’ would magically go away once the life I was working so hard to build was obtained. Through hard work I slowly began gathering all the stuff I thought would successfully achieve these goals. This kind of focus came at a price. Somewhere along the way I forgot about what my – happy ever after – meant to me and I fell into the role of surviving at each new level I attained. Keeping afloat became a 24 hour 7 days a week task. Don’t get me wrong strong work ethics is a good thing, when in balance, however, unknowingly the mounting ‘its’ began unknowingly influencing my choices that formed the imbalances. What I did know was something was seriously missing from what I knew to do. Even in my best efforts the ‘it’s’ kept happening and what I thought was my safety net of burying them ended up becoming my future attacker. The security I thought was there through my hard work was gradually slipping through my fingers and being exposed as partially illusionary. This is when I realized that strong work ethics weren’t enough to bring to me the – happy ever after – my heart and soul longed for. I kept praying and asking God to clarify my confusion and put me on a path, any path, where the – happy ever after – that I passioned to be my legacy and what I wanted to pass on to my children, and they in turn could pass on to theirs, was not just attainable, it was sustainable. My trust and faith kept me strong in my resolve that – happy ever after – was real… simply because God said so.
In my early days I was doing my best to be so strong for so many without knowing how to receive what I required to stay strong… this was no fault of myself or anyone… I just did not know how. Then without warning it all came to a head. I could not continue to hold up the illusion of being OK – when I wasn’t. I could no longer hold back my inner screams or remain silent to the pain I carried without resolve. Out loud and in a volume I was sure the wind would carry to the heavens so God could hear me, I demanded an answer to my long time prayer of how to be – happy ever after–. A bold move from someone so devout. Almost as instantly as the words left my month a voice within me responded; “stop running from ‘it’, and face ‘it’”. Stunned from hearing without seeing I took a deep breath. Within the depth of the breath I somehow knew the voice was right. I didn’t understand how this was true, I really didn’t care, I just knew it was. From this point I didn’t question or require any proof beyond what every fiber of my body was telling me… that this was real … and a truth beyond what I could understand in the moment… that right now I did not need to understand, I just needed to trust what I felt as the answer that came – strange as it may had seemed to me – it became my HOW to have the – happy ever after – I so longed and prayed for.
I immediately committed to doing whatever I must. Without thought of right or wrong – just ‘what is’ I began by getting right with myself. This happened by first acknowledging that my ‘its’ were rolled into one ‘it’… anger. At first this was hard to admit because I didn’t want to be angry yet deep down I had to admit I was. Not at anyone or anything, just angry. This was the ‘it’ I had to face. In facing this ‘it’ I realized I ran from ‘it’ because I didn’t know how to express how I felt without lashing out and I didn’t want to hurt others or myself more than the hurt I was already experiencing. My absolute commitment to being free from ‘it’ created a parade of those that appeared almost magically in my life. Each came with messages that provided different pieces to the puzzle of life that I was wanting to solve. Massagers from all over began showing up both in my travels worldwide and at home. Each message evolved an awareness within me that my eyes or ears had in the past misperceived from different experiences because they were viewed from an anger/fear/misperceived/upset state. Here is when I could see the anger in a new light and for what it was. Distortions of what ‘actually’ was real and happening into what ‘had been made real through choices unknowingly made from an angry state’. All the joy that I understood as a child yet forgot through the ‘its’ was ignited again. My commitment to a fearless future for my children and myself got me off the wheel. What I had discovered I knew would keep me off… for good.
In remaining focused on my commitment, no matter what, I could see and hear far beyond interpretations or the endless debates of what is right and what is wrong. What came-to-light was how to go easily go deeper by simply realizing ‘purpose’ beyond surface appearances. With life’s puzzle put together I saw how I, as an adult, in all my good intentions, was influencing everything around me through my beliefs, thoughts, words and actions that existed both subconsciously and in conscious beliefs that held twisted forms of judgment, blame, guilt or shame that I unknowingly carried from the unresolved anger I attempted to forget and bury. I realized that the anger may have been hidden yet new experiences that held some form of their memory, even if unrelated, would continue to trigger upsets – misperceptions – losses and slowly loose my over all sense of well-being if I left them unresolved. This I discovered is how the cycle of unhappiness, loss, lack and illness continues and how, unknowingly, I was contributing to their continuation. I fell to my knees and vowed that with this wisdom there would be no more. The buck stops here and now. Today I do my best, my very best, yet sometimes I miss the mark because there are still entanglements from the past that require a little bit more mercy when they unexpectedly show up… wanting to be merely to be understood to be resolved. I don’t judge what I don’t know- I simply pick myself up, brush myself off, quest to know what I don’t know and trust it will be so, then when I know… I do it differently.
In my own small little world or to positively effect the world at large changing the ‘its’ to – happy every after – comes from a single word. What I am about to say isn’t new. Many before me have said the same thing in their own way yet its what I have come to know as the single most powerful influence that changed my ‘its’, from the inside out, into a – happy ever after – … one that is unshakable no matter the story line, no matter outside appearances or influences… it’s LOVE. Remembering that love lives within and it wasn’t something to get, it was for me ‘to be’. To be… love… in the same innocence that we feel when we hold a new born baby in our arms. This unlimited power, this precious gift is never lost. Forgotten and buried through misperceptions – judgment- blame- guilt and shame – yet always there when we unentangled its power from being angry into being responsible for being our internal love in innocence. When free, love’s power creates what appears as miracles. We bring this power to the surface by sharing our uniqueness, being all we can be through being our love in innocence in a circle of giving and receiving in balance. When we give and allow ourselves to receive love – life magically comes into simply being happy and a level of abundance that is perfect for us.
To remember this unlimited power I had to let go of interpretations, be in gratitude for absolutely everything, in the joy of ‘what is’, have trust and faith that, no matter what, when love in its gift of innocence is allowed ‘to be’, it’s easy to realize love within us and in everyone and everything. My dream has not changed since a child, yet it has expanded. My intent is for every moment of each interaction with me to add to everyone’s version of – their happy ever after – while allowing me to be me hence, ever evolving my – happy ever after -. I have simplified the ‘its’ and I have done the same with love… because it is simple. It either is or is not. Remaining focused on – happy ever after – because God said so… allowed me to escape being a victim. From childhood on I may have remained naive, I am glad of it, because holding onto the magic of fairy tales and how – happy ever after – will exist if I really wanted it to, this truth of my intention allowed it to happened. I wanted – happy ever after – more than remaining ignorant, judging or blaming, or wanting others to be responsible for my love, happiness or abundance… so just like God said…, it happened.
To answer the question from the perspective of being there, experiencing that… I will share; “God doesn’t create the evils from dishonorable to monstrous – we do. Conscious or not that we are doing it, it happens through the free will GOD – the universal source – gave us to choose either anger/fear/greed/selfishness (you name it) through what we judge, blame, feel guilt or shame over and passing ‘it’ on, or, within the same free will we are given the opportunity to choose … being love … in its innocence’ passing this ‘it’ on and perpetuating the – happy ever afters -. The Choice Is Mine.” Veronique